The Nonbinary PM reviews: Veet Men In Shower Hair Removal Cream

Introduction

Given that I had no experience of hair removal creams and only good ones of waxing, I wasn’t really expecting much from the Veet Men In Shower Hair Removal Cream. Apart from lack of personal experience, I’d also been warned to expect a scent that was halfway between “expired hake fillets” and “putrefacted goat corpse”, so my expectations were lower than Theresa May’s job approval ratings. In fact, my worries about the smell were so extreme that I waited until I had the house to myself for a whole weekend before I tried using it – that way, if the smell was that bad, I had time to burn the house down and flee across the channel.

Was such a precaution necessary? Read on and find out!

So what is it?

Veet Men In Shower Hair Removal Cream is a cream, designed to remove hair, that can be used in the shower and is primarily aimed at men by its manufacturers, Veet. I give it 11/11 in terms of accuracy and clarity of the naming.

How do I use it?

It has some pretty strict rules on the packaging about how to use it and how long you should leave it on for. Pro Tip: save the packaging because there’s enough cream for multiple applications.

Step 1 – apply the cream over the hairy area (the hairea) using the yellow side of the sponge, the spongy side. It should be applied quite thickly so that each hair is completely covered, and it should be of a consistent coverage and thickness. However, you don’t want to take too long, because this is the coitus interruptus method of hair removal. It’s all about timing.

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Apply liberally to the sponge and splodge all over your armpit. I swear to God I’ve never typed “armpit” so many times.

Step 2 – wait. Give it one minute without touching it. Spend a minute contemplating the divine beauty of the cosmos, or as the rest of the world calls it, Farrah Moan’s Instagram.

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You’re looking for 100% coverage of each hair but it shouldn’t be three or four inches thick.

Step 3 – now you’re supposed to start your shower routine, without getting it wet. I don’t really understand why you don’t just wait three minutes outside the shower, but I’m just some git so what do I know.

Step 4 – use the white, scourer side of the sponge to remove some of the cream at the edge. You’re testing to see whether you’ve left it on long enough, basically. If it comes away easy enough without leaving any hair, then continue dabbing away – don’t just swipe through in one swoosh, work at it in small patches, methodically.

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If it doesn’t come away, you can, according to the instructions leave it up to three more minutes to make it six minutes in total. And this is what I mean about the amount of time it takes you to apply it in the first place. If you take three minutes to apply it all, then you wait a minute, then two minutes more as prescribed, you don’t have any more time to play with. I don’t know what happens if you leave it on too long, because the hair started coming away, so I have no idea whether you’ll end up looking like an extra from a Lucio Fulci film.

Step 5 – once all the cream has been removed, shower and rinse thoroughly.

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What does it do?

Well, it works for one. The smell, whilst there is one, is not as offensive as dead people, expired fish or Jacob Rees-Mogg and it does not linger on the skin. It washes off quickly and easily and does not leave the skin agitated or tender.

What was left behind after rinsing was not 100% baby’s bum, but the hair was gone and there was far less effort or agitation than with shaving. I would say that wet shaving produces better results, but only in the places where you can effectively get your razor. Where you can’t, the cream produces better results, but I will be interested to see how deeply the hair has been removed.

Rating: 8/11

Compared to the wax strips, this was no mess, no fuss, much quicker to do, and for 100% better results, and it’s not expensive at all – just £5 at Amazon for the 150ml tube

I’ve marked it lower than the required 10/11 to receive the “Recommends!” rating because I’m not convinced that the results will be very long lasting. If it turns out that the hair has been removed right to the root and the hair is gone for weeks, I may well upgrade my score.