World, meet Right Armpit and Left Armpit. Right Armpit and Left Armpit, meet World.
And that, my friends, is the sentence that I went through four years of night school, two years of open university and three years of full-time university to be able to write.
I have written previously, at tediously copious length, of how a lot of my dysmorphic thoughts relate to my body hair. Armpit hair was where it first started for me, with my monobrow shortly after. I’ve been shaving my armpit hair since I first got my hands on a disposable cheap blue plastic razor.
As any reasonable person will testament, the greatest fear amongst mankind is the fear or being buried alive (ask Poe). For me, the second most horrific living nightmare is smelling of BO, specifically me believing other people thinking I smell of BO. It haunts me.
I scrub and rinse my armpits several times during every shower. I apply roll-on deodorant so thickly that I carry my arms like a bodybuilder afterwards. I drench myself with scent. I want the scent around me to be so thick that it envelops me, like a mist. I want passing cars to have to put on their fog lights in my immediate vicinity, old people to experience respiratory difficulties around me. Because all this is infinitely preferable to people thinking that I smell. And regardless of the science, the idea that the armpit hair is tied to the BO is fixed in my mind, so I shave.
We’ll talk about the monobrow another time.
Shaving is neither fun nor kind on the sensitive skin. Wetshaving is okay, but fiddly. I tried my rotary electric shaver once and if you want to comprehend that sensation, I want you to think of the worst thing that a psychopath can do to your genitals with a rusty cheese grater – especially when you apply deodorant afterwards.
So, I figured I would start looking into alternative methods. The first two I have selected are both Veet products – wax strips, and shower cream.
Starting this week and continuing over the next few weeks, I will use the wax strips on the left pit and the cream on the right pit. I’ll give you a graphic blow-by-blow account of how each product performs, or doesn’t, so that you can follow along and make your own decision about which to use.
Won’t this be fun!