“I’m coming out… I want the world to know…”
Recently I have started to explore feelings about my gender identity. I have had thoughts in this direction for a while – it feels like I’m starting to consciously explore things that have always been bubbling under the surface, for most of my life. The feelings and thoughts have been most intense since the death of my father last Easter. The best way I can describe it is that most days, neither ‘male’ nor ‘female’ feel like the right words for me. I have read around this condition and ‘agender’ seems to resonate far more than ‘androgynous’.
I’ve also read about gender dysphoria, and that’s not me. Quite the opposite, in fact. I feel like I want to explore ways that I can better understand what I am and integrate it properly into a whole personality, because ‘being agender’ seems like the answer to a lot of questions I’ve had for a long time. I just didn’t know where to start, or even whether speaking to someone about it was the right answer.
However; I decided to take the plunge. I looked up a local therapist, (eventually) arranged to meet her, and she’s been fantastic. She helped me appreciate what I was dealing with – not just my gender issues, but my sexuality too, as well as depression and anxiety. Last week, when I was having an horrific day with late trains (is there any other?) I was running really late and even though I was the last appointment of the day and it ate into her evening, she still waited for me. I could barely drive getting there, I was so anxious about being late. But within ten minutes I was completely at ease, and able to chat about my homework.
See, one of the things she suggested to me was to try journaling. I always kept a diary, from back when I was thirteen, trying to pass myself off as a young boy and living out my Adrian Mole dreams. And it’s had such an impact, I’ve written so much in two weeks, that I decided I would turn it into a blog. And, ummm, here it is! I’ve been messing around with the format for a little while, and I’ll probably mess around with it some more, because I like being in control and I get anxious when things aren’t right.
But for now, please enjoy!